i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
