The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
