when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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