i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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