dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
