we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Randomize
