I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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