What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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