Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
