Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
