I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
