I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
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