i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Sorry my hands just texted you
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
