i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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