I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
