any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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