I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
