Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
