His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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