dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
