if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
