Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
