dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
