I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
