Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
