I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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