I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
