You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
