I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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