This is not my ceiling
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
