Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
