I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize