I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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