Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
