my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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