go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
