So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
