i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
