Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize