my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize