I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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