whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
