I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
