fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Randomize
