"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
