The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
