I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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