I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize