oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
