i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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