apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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