Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
