I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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