"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
