The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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