My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I look excited, but its just a facade.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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