What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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