my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
