I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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