I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
