Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
